its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
