3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
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