I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
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