i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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