Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
