ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
