I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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