don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
