I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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