I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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