I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
