If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
