Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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