my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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