you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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