if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
