I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
