Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
