So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
