on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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