LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
