it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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