pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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