Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
