Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
