hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
