I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We got so high we made milksteak
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
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Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
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We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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