well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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