Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
should my penis look like a turkey
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
