Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
