After last night, I could never be a politician.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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