if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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