I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize