I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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