i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
