im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
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Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
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The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
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