Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's like God shit irony all over that family
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
