I am puke
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
