I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
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I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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