the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
