Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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