I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
