What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
