She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
