I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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