Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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