sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
