I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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