In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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