Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
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I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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