I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Randomize
