sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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