I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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