Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The best revenge is premature balding
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
