i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
