I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
