I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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