She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
These tits shall not be calmed
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