remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
