you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
