this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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