omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
