My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
