no, he came in my armpit
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
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I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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