Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
